


Itsy Bitsy Spider

by Hildigunnur



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: April Showers Challenge, Fluff, Gen, Pre-Slash, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-23
Updated: 2011-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 14:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hildigunnur/pseuds/Hildigunnur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Johnny Weir has a spider problem and enlists Evan Lysacek's help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Itsy Bitsy Spider

**Author's Note:**

> Written and posted in May 2010 for the following prompt on the wintergameskink meme on LJ: idk idk i want something fun, like Johnny is afraid of spiders so he wakes up Evan at an ungodly hour and tells him to get rid of it. Evan's all 'lol scaredy cat' but then he sees the spider and it freaks him out, and they both flail around the room whenever the spider moves. :D

"Good, good, Evan, faster. Dig the outside edge deeper. Yes, like that."

Okay, so it wasn't the most exciting dream Evan Lysacek had ever dreamt but even dreaming that he was at practice, meant that he was asleep. Oh, blissful sleep. How he loved those few nights between the long program and the exhibition gala when the nerves of the competition had left him and the jet lag had loosened its hold and he could just sleep for as long as he wanted. That meant about six hours for him which was a complete luxury.

 

"You need to get into the spread eagle faster." Frank's voice had become distant and there was something knocking into the ice but the sound was oddly hollow. The knocking grew louder and louder and he was no longer at the ice rink, he was lying in his hotel bed and there was someone knocking on his door.

The radio clock on his night stand read 3:26 AM and he groaned into the pillow. Who the hell was waking him at this hour?

As he aimed to tell whoever was bothering him to beat it, he didn't bother to cover up as he ambled off to open the door in his t-shirt and boxers.

Seeing who was standing outside his door, he promptly forgot what he was going to say. He simply blinked and wondered if he was still sleeping.

"Lost the ability to speak, have we?" Johnny Weir was standing there, wearing a deep red dressing gown and his normal look of condescension and disapproval.

"No. What the fuck are you doing here? Why are you knocking on my door in the middle of the night?" It was only curiosity that prevented Evan from slamming the door in Johnny's face.

"Because I need your help. Really need your help." Johnny's usually pouty mouth was in a firm line and Evan knew that he couldn't be joking around.

"What's the matter?"

"Well, you have two options. You could allow me to sleep in your room."

"No way," Evan hissed.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. So I need you to be America's great heterosexual hope, you know, the great alpha male." With hands on his hips, Johnny stared up at Evan, looking as he'd knee him in the gut if Evan wouldn't help him.

"Okay, okay, tell me what's going on."

"There is a spider in my room and I need to get rid of it."

Was Johnny serious? He'd actually trudged down the entire corridor to wake Evan up, someone he'd decried his hatred for at every possible opportunity, to ask him to get rid of a little spider. Johnny had never been what one would call stereotypically manly but being a skater, he was a tough cookie who laughed in the face of adversity.

"A spider, Johnny? Are you afraid of one tiny spider?" Evan said, making his voice go squeaky on 'one tiny spider'.

"Oh no, this isn't a tiny spider. This is a freaky-ass Japanese giant spider, the bastard offspring of Shelob and Aragog." The disgust on Johnny's face was clear.

"Offspring of who?"

"God, you illiterate troglodyte. Don't you read? Hell, you don't even have to read. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, does that ring any bells? Or do movies have to have Steven Segal in them for you watch them?"

"I've seen Lord of the Rings and I've even read Harry Potter. I just don't memorize them, okay? Let me see this spider so I can go back to sleep and you can go annoy someone else."

Johnny huffed but seemed satisfied and turned on his heel to lead the way to his room.

"Why did you wake me anyway? Isn't there staff on call or something? Or someone else you could have woken up because you have a fantasy monster in your room?"

"Evan, believe me. You are a last resort. I called the desk and for some unfathomable reason, the person, who answered, only spoke Japanese and I'm sorry, I don't know the Japanese for 'there's a giant spider in my room, please come and kill it' and well, if you haven't noticed, my entourage is all female and all more afraid of spiders than I am. The only other skater I know on this floor, is Brian and guess what, I think he's having some very loud and noisy sex at the moment, judging by the moaning and the bed creaking."

Johnny's rant lasted all the way to his room.

"Welcome to the Forbidden Forrest." Johnny pushed the door open. "The beast was crawling up the well opposite the bed last time I saw it."

The room was of course incredibly neat, even despite the mountain of stuffed animals in one of the chairs. Also Johnny's costume for the gala, yet another crazy glitter bomb, was hanging on the closet door. Otherwise the room hardly looked occupied except for the fact that someone had obvious been trying to sleep in the bed.

Johnny didn't seem to dare to go all the way into the room, only just so they could both get into the room.

"See," Johnny said and pointed at the wall. Evan wasn't sure what Johnny was pointing at. There was some kind of a black ornament on the wall and it looked large than his hand.

And then the ornament moved.

Someone screamed. Evan wasn't sure if it was him or Johnny or the both of them but he found himself standing on the bed, holding Johnny for dear life.

"I told you, I told you," Johnny said, his breath coming out in labored puffs, like he was about to hyperventilate. "It's a fucking monster or some crazy Japanese spider god coming to eat me."

The spider crawled further down the wall and Evan finally dared to look at it better, still holding onto Johnny.

Its body was weirdly elongated and the back wasn't completely black, there were some stripes on it but that didn't really matter because the thing had those creepy long legs and probably pinchers too. And oh god, it looked like it would very much enjoy chomping on some human flesh.

"Evan, Evan, it's crawling towards the bed. You've got to do something."

"Why me?" Evan asked, the panic rising within him like a tidal wave.

"You are the big strong guy, not me." And with that, Johnny shoved him away and Evan almost stumbled off the bed.

"Be careful," he snapped at Johnny. "What can I kill it with?" He grabbed a shoe from a row of neatly arranged pointy toed loafers.

"Hands off my Versaces or I swear, I'll wear your fucking balls like a fucking Olympic gold medal."

The spider seems to sense that Evan was contemplating to attack it and apparently the spider believed that offence was the best defense. It crawled towards him on its eight legs, each one moving like it was independent of the other legs.

Thank god he could jump high.

Evan was back on the bed, clutching Johnny again. If he wasn't trying to flee the spider, he might have seen the irony in him holding Johnny tight.

"Where did it go? Evan, where did it go?" Johnny's fingers dug into Evan's biceps and his pupils of his green eyes were as tiny as a head of a pin.

"I don't know," Evan said and he couldn't control the shaking of his voice. "I can't see it."

"We've got to move off the bed. What if it's crawling up on the bed?"

Not hesitating, Evan grabbed Johnny by the waist and threw him over on the desk close to the bed, then jumped right behind him.

Johnny fortunately had landed gracefully, standing on both feet because Evan crashed into him, almost knocking both of them off the table.

"Watch it," Johnny yelled as Evan steadied himself by grabbing his shoulders. "God, we are going to be stuck here forever or that spider will eat us. Why the hell didn't you tell me that you were afraid of spiders?"

"Because I thought it was a normal spider, not Godzilla's arachnid cousin, Little Miss Muffet."

"Oh, you think you're so clever, Evan. Just go and step on it with your giant feet."

"I'm barefooted. I'm not going to step on it."

"I want to go back to sleep and I need this spider dead and if you don't…"

There was a knock on the door which they hadn't properly closed and then it was nudged open a little.

"Sumimasen, sirs," a timid voice said from the other side. "There have been complaints from the other guests about noise. Would the sirs be so kind to keep the noise down?" Then the door was being pulled closed.

"No, no, wait," Evan shouted. "Don't go."

"Excuse me, sir." The door opened again and a man, furiously bowing his head, came in. "Can I be of assistance?"

"Yes, yes, please. There's a spider and we can't get rid of it," Evan said, pointing in the direction where he'd last seen the spider.

The man looked up at Evan and then at Johnny, his face remaining expressionless as he surveyed them standing on the desk, Evan only wearing a t-shirt and boxers and Johnny in his dressing gown. He then bent down and scooped something up.

"It's just a woodland spider, it's harmless." The spider filled out the cup of the man's hands and Evan grabbed Johnny harder as he envisioned a scene where the spider would hop on the man's face and start to eat it.

"I'll take it out and you, sirs, will keep it down. Oyasumi nasai."

And with that, the spider was gone.

"So I should let you go," Evan said as the door was closed. Johnny looked at where Evan was clutching him, his eyebrows knitted and his lips pursed.

"You should."

He didn't let go, at least not right away and surprisingly Johnny didn't shove him away either. He simply pulled up his dressing gown where it had started slipping down his shoulder and leaped off the desk as elegantly as only Johnny Weir could do and Evan followed, not quite matching Johnny's grace but then again, Johnny had been showing off.

"You know, Evan, if this was a cliché movie, we should proclaim now that we will never speak of this again." Johnny had his arms crossed over his chest but there was definitely a smile on his lips.

"Okay, we shall never speak of this again," Evan said, trying to sound like this should be kept a state secret. "Seriously though, who will ever believe us?"

"That we were nearly eaten by a monster spider?"

"No, that you actually came to me for help and that I actually agreed to help you."

"Ah, true." Johnny smiled. "I suppose I owe you one."

Evan tried to pretend that he didn't hear the promise in Johnny's voice. Did every other word of the guy's mouth have to be an innuendo?

"Yeah, you do," he tried asserting. "But I'm going back to my room to sleep. See you later, Weir."

"Happy dreams, Lysacek."

Whether Evan found his subsequent dreams happy or not, remained unsaid. At least there wasn't any spider in them but there was a perfect throw triple flip jump there.

**Author's Note:**

> For those who are morbidly curious, the spider in question: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nephila_pilipes


End file.
